They Got Machines That Momma I Can't Figure

Although the future may be filled with possibilities, today has been a brick wall.

Old Moon Fades Into The New

So today, I had lunch with someone leaving Biglaw;
found out that two folks at my prior Biglaw quit;
saw the first girl I ever fell for in a Biglaw cross the Avenue of the Stars bridge (given that she originally worked up in SF when I worked in SV and we're now in LA, that's a weird co-inkidink -oh, and she's a lesbian);
found out that LA Chick is single again.

Destiny (Photek Remix)

Remixes are tough. On the one hand, you want to make the song sound fresh and new. The best remixes remind you of why you loved the song in the first place - taking the smooth vocals from a song as warm as a down comforter and a glass of wine on a November day, placing them with a deep base and dark beats so it's now sexy and sultry as that leggy brunette in that black strapless number giving you the eye in the club. Same vocals, different but equally deep reactions. On the other hand, you don't want to make the song wholly unrecognizable, or even worse, a parody of the original (c'mon, who needs to hear Bryan Adams via a fifteen year old chick with a nasal problem at 200 bpms?)

Anyway, I'm still glad that I moved back down to L.A. My friends are all great. But my life has become, well, stagnant. I'm not going out. The in-folks at SmallLaw have decided I'm not part of the Scooby Gang and have pulled the "Let's not tell Marty Stark about any goings on." Call me Rudolph.

What I need is my life remixed.

Waiting For My Real Life To Begin

I found out that the BigLaw I interviewed with about a month ago just lost two major rainmaking partners. (Yeah, I see that dangling participle there, but you're not gonna be findin' this homeboy saying "with whom I interviewed" on the weekend - what, you wanna cap in yo ass?) Things aren't looking too good for that BigLaw. In fact, there's an unofficial deathwatch on the Greedy Associates board. Yup, a very Keanu Reeves dodging the bullets in slo-mo sitch.

As much as I'm grateful for whatever karmic influence got me dinged from that BigLaw, I'm getting a bit tired of this life as a cautionary tale mode.

They Fly Over The Blue

I spent the last five days back in Jersey visiting the folks. Sis and my brother-in-law flew in from Chicago, so the whole immediate Stark Clan was home. (Sis is a second-year OB/GYN resident, and my brother-in-law is a fellow lawyer). What I remember the most wasn't the dinner at Morimoto's in Philadelphia (great neo-lounge ambiance, excellent selection of background music, meh food) or just chillin' wid da fam, but rather a photo album.

My sister and I used to rifle through photo albums everytime we went home to remind ourselves what we were like before we had jobs and bills and workaday "issues." Sweet little pictures of Asian tykes, running on stubby legs through yards or smiles with chubby cheeks on a goddawful striped couch. Sis found a photo album neither of us had seen before - the closest American analogy would be a wedding album (my folks met through a half-traditional arranged marriage / half-hip dating service thing, so the album including photos of the first setup). You could tell it was "professionally" arranged because all the photos were of cheezy poses, and the first page had heart-shaped stickers with syrupy sayings like "I Love You" and "Will You Marry Me."

Surprisingly, I don't have anything cynical or snarky to say about the album. In fact, in a weird way, it made me feel better about myself. The photos showed my parents when they were 28 (dad) and 27 (mom). Dad was a very sharp looker and mom was a dish, which was quite a shock for me. All I saw of my parents growing up were two beaten down folks not knowing what to make of America or their strange kids who didn't follow the way they grew up. Most of my life was trying not to be like them. My parents are now happy in the wane of their professional life - dad has taken up golf and mom exercises - a sporty Asian Ward and June Cleaver. Bitter and frustrated or content and harmless, but never as folks my age.

Seeing the photos showed me that they weren't bad folks, or unattractive folks. Something in me clicked -- that with the bad traits I inherited from them there might be good traits. OK, so I don't forgive them through all the guilt-trips and ego-burn outs they put me through growing up, but I think I hate myself a little less than I did before, and that isn't a bad thing.

When You Work It Out I'm Worse Than You

I had another flash that my faith in karma might not be misplaced. Golden Boy/Scumbag Associate blew a deadline. Blew it big. Now there are certain deadlines that a court can waive - you file a 473 motion saying mea culpa, I screwed up. The court goes tsk tsk, but since judges were once first year associates as well, the court lets it go, you file your motion/brief/legal thingy late and get told don't do it again. In fact, most deadlines are like that.

Then there are jurisdictional deadlines which the court has absolutely NO discretion to waive. Why are they called jurisdictional deadlines? Because before that date, the court has jurisdiction to hear the matter. After that date, it doesn't. If the court doesn't have jurisdiction, well, it can't hear your plea to waive the deadline, can it?

Golden Boy/Scumbag Associate comes into my office around noon-ish looking all panicked and says, "Hey Marty, I need your help to figure out if I committed malpractice." Without breaking any work product confidentiality, the bottom line is that a jurisdictional deadline passed. Had he been practicing 5 years, he probably would've realized this, but he been working as an associate for 3 months (and officially as a lawyer for 1 month). OK, that's the understanding the "but for the grace of God go I" part of me has. The "when I was a first year associate" part of me, however, says when I was an associate of 3 months, I would've caught this. Within 5 minutes, I checked the treatise that I checked as a first year associate and found the correct answer.

At the end of the day, Golden Boy/Scumbag Associate was able to figure out a colorable argument why we hadn't hit the jurisdictional deadline. However, he shouldn't have had to make any argument in the first place. Oh, and this is about a month after he told his girlfriend to stay in San Diego so he could screw his ex to celebrate passing the bar.

Yup, karma at work.

The Girl Who Fell Through The Ice

My number one New Years' Resolution: To fall for a woman who doesn't make me feel like an asshole for liking her.

Tuning In On You

Sometimes, art reminds you that maybe, just maybe, well . . .

How should we be able to forget those ancient myths that are at the beginning of all peoples, the myths about dragons that at the last moment turn into princesses; perhaps all the dragons of our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us once beautiful and brave. Perhaps everything terrible is in its deepest being something helpless that wants help from us.

So you must not be frightened ... if a sadness rises up before you larger than any you have ever seen; if a restiveness, like light and cloudshadows, passes over your hands and over all you do. You must think that something is happening with you, that life has not forgotten you, that it holds you in its hand; it will not let you fall.


(Rainer Marie Rilke - Letters to a Young Poet, Letter 8 - Excerpt)

See Ralph Marston, Jr., that's the way to be inspirational.

The Lights Go Out And I Can't Be Saved

I wrote an e-mail to several friends letting them know that the first attempt to re-enter BigLaw didn't work out. One friend wrote back something so deep it's obvious, which is the following:

"At some point you (and a couple of our other classmates) are going to have to examine the fact that you have not liked working at ANY law firm you have been at. If you drove a Mercedes, a Hyundai a Ford and VW and didn't like any of them, it's time to get a motorcycle."

Very true, and very astute. My response? "Actually, I'm waiting for the personal jet pack - risky, chance of self-immolation, but if it works, I'll fly."

Gotta make that choice soon.

Whisper

If I could say this to a Certain Someone, I would:

"If anything I've done or anything I've said has made you feel uncomfortable, I'm sorry. I'm saying this because it frankly, it doesn't feel too good to be the only person in this office you won't say hi back to, or make eye contact with. I don't feel like much of a human being knowing that I'm the one person in this office that makes you feel uncomfortable, and, well, let's face it, you don't much like. So I'd like to start again, as if the last six months never happened. You don't have to worry about me asking you out, because I'm not interested in you. I'm just trying to get through the day without feeling like some sort of creep. So if we can start all over again, that'd be great. Otherwise, I don't know what to do."

And now that I've written it down, I know I probably won't have a chance to say it. The days will go by, and despite the fact I know I have friends who think the world of me, I'll feel less of a man. Eventually, I'll just fade away.

Where Do I Go To Fall From Grace?

Nothing like a dayquil stupor and being dinged from BigLaw to make you feel all existential and fuzzy. My coughs are salty and taste like chlorine. Certain Someone is back in all eyes averted mode, which bugs me despite the fact I know she's not the one. But it does bug me as an impoliteness. Maybe I'm just some reincarnated British fop.

We Float

Images

Waiting for my parents to pick me up, I steal a glance at Maria. She has a slight smile on her face. I can’t think of anything to say to her, so I lightly brush my fingers against hers, then we hold hands waiting for time to pass.

Driving north on the 5 on New Years' Day. Traffic stops halfway between Los Angeles and Sunnyvale. The sun has just set, turning the sky from pink to a deep blue. To the west, the silhouette of hills. To the east, storm clouds and farmland. From my car to the horizon, red brake lights of cars. I have Zero 7's Destiny on repeat.

Big Exit

I have a preliminary interview with Biglaw tomorrow. Whether or not it works out, I think this is the beginning of the end with SmallLaw. I think it'll be a matter of months.

After the Pittsburgh dream, I've had two more dreams about moving or being in a new job. If that isn't my subconscious telling me I need to get the fuck outta Dodge, I don't know what is. Plus, apparently Scumbag is feeling "overwhelmed" by me and is about to break. So that's more bad theater coming down the pipeline.

Perhaps, Perhaps, Perhaps

I went to high school in Pittsburgh. At this time of the year, you couldn't wear short-sleeved shirts due to the ten minus with wind chill highs. Waking up in the mornings was tough even with the central heating on. I'd walk onto the freezing bathroom floor and wait for the shower to get warm. However, that first blast of water was always too cold. The water would soon warm up and I'd be all comfy and soapy. Then someone, my dad, my mom, sis, would flush the toilet in the other bathroom and the water would boil. Then it would overcompensate and turn freezing. Cold, hot, cold, hot.

Yeah, there are yet undiscovered tribes in the Amazon who can see where this is leading.

Thursday, a Certain Someone got back from vacation and pretty much gave me the cold shoulder all day. Then in the afternoon when I was putzing around with one of the file clerks by trying to jump rope using a printer cable, she cracked up when I said, "Crap, I think I forgot how to jump rope." Then when I said, "Hey, Office Manager saw me jump rope" later, Certain Someone said in a four year old voice "Well I didn't see it." Today, I was bitching to Scumbag about Sacramento County Superior Court. Certain Someone was in Scumbag's office. Certain Someone is from Sac. When I left Scumbag's office saying I need to go kill someone in Sacramento, Certain Someone said, "Well don't kill my parents." Later, I walked passed her and said hi, she ignored me. Later later, I walked passed her and she said "Excuse me" in that four year old voice that drives me nuts and turns me on at the same time.

God do I need to leave SmallLaw, and soon.

Brief Lives

I've had two dreams that have been stuck in my head, both about as subtle as a hammer on china.

I had the most recent one on Saturday night/Sunday morning. I was back in Pittsburgh looking for a place to live. I was sick of California, so I had decided to move back to the city in which I grew up. I hadn't moved just yet. I was simply looking for a place to live with my friend helping me out. It was a cloudy day, and I was driving through leafy suburbs. I was going back to school.

On Thursday night/Friday morning, I had a miserable dream. It was New Years' Eve. I was sitting at a bar/restaurant/Trader Joe's waiting for friends to show up. A woman walked up to me, and said "Hi, you probably don't remember me. You interviewed me when you were at BigLaw." I replied, "Yeah, I thought you looked familiar." I can't remember what she looked like now. I think she kept shifting - Asian with high cheek bones to cute blonde with round cornflower blue eyes. Anyway, my friends showed up. I became really jealous because they started hitting on her and I thought she was showing interest. Then I thought to myself, "So what? I'm interested in her as well." I sat down with her on the couch, and put my arm around her. She grinned a goofy grin. I knew she was interested in me. I thought to myself, "I was right in taking the risk." We held each other for a while. Then I realized I had to pick up something. I went out to find it, but then I heard the countdown, "Ten, nine, eight . . ." I rushed back to the bar so I could have the midnight kiss, but she wasn't there anymore. I was completely heartbroken.

After midnight came and went, my buddies and I went awalkin'. I saw this line of people waiting to get into a building. It was a new business that decided to open a minute after midnight, a minute into the new year for a new technology. It was business that could replay memories. Folks were filling out a form. I had decided I hated the idea of this tech because life is meant to be lived, not to be memorized. But I wanted to remember what the New Years' Eve woman looked like. I decided to fill out one of the forms. Then I saw her at the door - she was a sales representative for the memory business. I realized it was a scam. She hit on me and left me deliberately so that I would come here. She never liked me at all. I called her on it, and she said, "So what? Stop being such a baby." Then I woke up.