If I Have To Lie About It . . .

This blog is a reflection of me, both good and bad. And sometimes in life, bad things happen. Life should be as simple as "she hurt you, stop thinking about her." But those bad things screw you up--hopefully only for a short time, but they still screw you up.

I think the reasons we listen to certain songs and watch certain movies is because they too are a reflection. And right now, I've been listening to The Afghan Whigs' song "My Curse" over and over again. Yeah, you can make a judgment on how my heart feels about this woman right now (don't worry, my mind is angry, very very angry). This is how I felt when she told me how she knows she lost me forever, crying into the phone this morning. This is how I'll feel when she calls me from work this week when she realizes I'm never coming back. Don't worry, I'll be listening to this song only for a short time.

"My Curse"

Hurt me baby
I flinch so when you do
Your kisses scourge me
Hyssop in your perfume
Oh, I do not fear you
And slave I only use
As a word to describe the special way I feel for you
You look like me
And I look like no one else
We need no other
As long as we have ourselves
But I won't cry about it
Every time you get obsessed
Every time I came undressed
All ugly thoughts are gone
I'm sure we'll all be friends
I'll try to break your back
You'll try to make amends
Curse softly to me baby
And smother me in your love
Temptation comes not from hell but from above
And there's blood on my teeth
When I bite my tongue to speak
Zip me down, kiss me there
I can smile now
You won't find out ever
Hurt me baby
I flinch so when you do
Your kisses scourge me
Hyssop in your perfume
Oh I do not fear you
And slave I only use as a word to describe
The way I feel when I'm with you
If I have to lie about it everytime I came undressed

This Time The Anger's Better Than The Kiss . . .

Bang your knee hard up against the table, and you know you're going to get a nasty deep bruising. You know that eventually it'll clear up. The days will go by, and the bruise will turn from that deep purple to a slight yellowish tinge. And then you'll wake up and your skin will be the same pristine tone you had before. But today, that bruise is an ugly purple welt, the merest touch makes you wince in pain.

All my friends, including greg, were right. I should've just run from Setup Chick and never looked back. For the last two weeks, Setup Chick has been reckless with me. She tells me she always thinks of me, that she wants to be with me. And yet her pathetic boyfriend calls her, says he wants to marry her, and back in his arms she goes. This has been going on and on. And because we were friends before all this happened, I played the good guy.

At 2 a.m. in this morning, she called me sobbing, saying how she wasn't at her parents like she told me but that she was with him. How this last week, she didn't feel anything for him, could she come over. And I said yes. I said yes because I love her. We had dinner Wednesday night prior, and I knew she wanted to be with me--the gestures, the handholding, the looks. This morning after she called, she came by, and were ended up in my bed. Then her boyfriend called her, saying how he had no purpose in life if she left him, how he wanted to marry her. This same scene happened two Fridays ago already, so I knew the score. I told her to do what she had to do.

And so again she left. And again the call happens, the "I'm staying with him" call. I've prepared myself for this conversation. I'm glad that her boyfriend called while we were in bed, because it showed me what a pathetic being he is. He's a man who can only define himself by someone else, while at the same time treating that someone else like shit. He's a desperate man who went to Setup Chick's home, begging her parents forintervention. And if Setup Chick stayed with him, then why would I want a woman with such poor judgment?

And so in this call, I asked her what changed. She says that she realized she hadn't been putting any effort into the relationship. She says I have to believe her when she says she really cares about me. She says that she wants to be friends still, that her boyfriend will allow that.

Me, I was the good guy for the past two weeks, and I'm tired of it. I tell her that I can't be happy for her because what she did to me was evil. I tell her that for what she did to me, she doesn't deserve any happiness. I ask her how we can be friends, her knowing how I feel about her, how I would have to be next to her wearing that ring if we were "friends." I tell her that her actions speak louder than her words, so I don't believe her when she says she cares about me. I told her she just threw away a good friend and the only person who has treated her right. But I guess there's a reason why some women stay with their abusers.

We talk in circles. She says she has to go. I tell her this is the last goodbye, that I wish that I could wish her happiness, but I can't. I hang up the phone.

I left the gig on Thursday (not for this reason, but because I'd been feeling the dread waking up for the past two months). On Tuesday, she'll walk into the office, and after six months of being there, of seeing me everyday, I won't be there. And that's her tough luck.

I know I'll get over this. Anyone who treats me like that isn't a good person, much less a good friend. Anyone who stays with a person who doesn't make her happy, who only makes an effort to change after she finds someone else, who begs and pleads and threatens--anyone who stays with a person like that doesn't deserve me.

But right now, I feel sad. I already miss her. And right now, I feel angry, angry at the way my heart was just tossed around. And right now, I feel heartsick. Everyone tells me that I'll meet the one eventually, but I see people all the time who haven't--barely hiding their misery, overcompensating by being extra nice, knowing though that they don't fit in.

Eventually the bruising goes away. It always does.

Low and Behold

So once more, you're driven out into the rain. You're prowling the streets, cruising on black roads lit by orange sodium lights, watching the sweep of the wipers on a windshield that runs like wax.

It's the uncertainty that drives you out. Better to feel the rain pounding your face through the open car window, soaking through your clothes, as you speed your way through the night. Better that than staying in place in that old flat with the hiss of the radiator and the peeling wallpaper. Better than watching the digital slowly change numbers while waiting for her to make a decision.

You want her to make the right decision, but she's been weak before. You want to leave her and cut your losses, but you start shaking at the thought of her gone. And so you drive, the indecision fueling your rage.

You tell yourself that she may choose you--you hear the frustration in her voice when she talks about him, the longing in her voice when she talks to you. But you remind yourself that nothing has ever worked out for you--you hear the wavering in her voice when she talks about him too. She looks at you with desire, and it frustrates her that she has to choose. She starts to cry at the thought of you angry with her.

So of course, it's better to drive. It's better to stop the car eventually, get out, let the sheets of rain pour down upon you. It's better to imagine it cleansing you, washing the impurities out, flowing into the gutter. It's better not the think of the future, soaked skin near the hiss of a radiator, sitting, waiting.

Gorecki

An open letter:

All I want you to be is happy. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for you. Ever since the first time I saw you, I knew you were special, and all I ever wanted to do was make you happy. Why do you think I was goofy all the time around you? Why do you think I spent those long hours talking to you?

All I’ve ever knew you to be is unhappy. You would call me constantly to ask me my advice, or just to talk. And I would sit and listen, feeling sad that you were sad. Feeling sad that Jon was in the other room watching hockey, putting you off because he took you for granted, thinking that you would be with him. I never put any conditions on our friendship.

In the last two weeks, all I ever knew you to be is happy. I knew I found the one I waited for. I knew you found the one you waited for too.

Today, you told me that in your heart that you just know you have a future with him. And I’m telling you today, in my heart, that you don’t, at least not a happy future. That if you stay with your decision, you’ll be so unhappy and you’ll be thinking of me. That you’ll just be sad. I know this in my heart.

All I’m asking you at this point is to think, just to think about this:

I trusted you this morning, knowing that this might happen, and I never said that I would stop caring about you. And meanwhile, Jon threatened you, said this would be the end if you came back to pick up your stuff.

Your friends say that you were unhappy with him. I said that you should be single for a month, that I would wait. And meanwhile, Jon threatened you, saying I manipulated you into feeling this.

I’ve told you, I respected your decision, no matter what. I’ve told you, I agree with your friend, that you should think about what you want, that I want what’s best for you. And meanwhile, Jon threatened you, saying it’s me or him.

Do you want to throw away everything between us for a man who doesn’t realize what he’s missing until he realizes it’s gone? Do you want to throw away everything between us for a man who only says he’s going to change because he’s threatened? Do you want to throw away everything to a man who’s the true manipulator?

You asked me, “What should I do? He said it’s over if I go over to you.” I should’ve said, “It’s supposed to be over. You were supposed to let him know it was over.” I should’ve insisted that one of your friends or cousins go with you. I should’ve insisted that you stay home with your parents to figure things out.

All I have left is this letter. All I have left to convince you is this. When you were over at my place, the only song in my mind was this song. I still feel this way. All I can do is let you know, that I still feel the lyrics. All I can say is I know you feel the same way. All I can say is that Jon will never, ever, say these words to you:

If I should die this very moment
I wouldn't fear
For I've never known completeness
Like being here
Wrapped in the warmth of you
Loving every breath of you
Still in my heart this moment
Or it might burst
Could we stay right here
Until the end of time until the earth stops turning
Wanna love you until the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

All this time I've loved you
And never known your face
All this time I've missed you
And searched this human race
Here is true peace
Here my heart knows calm
Safe in your soul
Bathed in your sighs
Wanna stay right here
Until the end of time
'Til the earth stops turning
Gonna love you until the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for

The one I've waited for

All I've known
All I've done
All I've felt was leading to this
All I've known
All I've done
All I've felt was leading to this
Wanna stay right here
'Til the end of time 'till the earth stops turning
I'm gonna love you till the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for
The one I've waited for
The one I've waited for

Wanna stay right here
'Til the end of time 'till the earth stops turning
I'm gonna love you till the seas run dry
I've found the one I've waited for
The one I've waited for
The one I've waited for

I know in my heart that Jon will never say this to you. I know in my heart that you will be so sad, a month, two months, a year from know. I know in my heart that he will not change. That he hasn’t been willing to change before. I know in my heart that anyone not willing to let you go like I will isn’t the right person for you. I know in my heart that you’ll regret it if you stay with this decision.

I will never stop caring for you. I will never stop loving you. But you have to know that everything feels wrong. You have to know that if you stay with this decision, I will never stop caring for you, but that I can no longer be there for you.

All I’m asking is that you spend time away from the both of us. All I’m asking is that you talk to your friends and see what they have to say. All I’m asking is that you stop thinking about how scared you are and figure out that you truly want. You know that you’re happy with me. You know that you haven’t been happy with Jon in a long long time. You know all I want is for you to be happy regardless of your decision. Please just make the decision wisely, away from Jon and me. And whatever your decision is if you do take time away from both of us to think, if you do ask your friends and relatives, the same friends and relatives who’ve told you that you haven’t been happy with Jon, and you decide to stay with Jon, I can respect that. But to make a decision right now is just too hurtful.

Please don’t doubt that I care about you, but if you make this decision without taking some time off, then you have no right to care about me. You have no right to worry about me. This is not an ultimatum. This is me telling you how I feel.

I don’t know what else to say now except that all I want for you is happiness. I want you to know that I will love you always, and that I hope you make a decision out of love and not fear. All I can do is hope that you make the right decision. I love you enough to give you up. I know Jon doesn’t love you enough to do this. And that’s all I have to say.

In the morning, she tells you that she wants to be with you. She tells you not to worry, she's made her choice and her choice is you. So she goes home to pick up her stuff and resolve things with her boyfriend. At night, she calls you, saying how difficult it is. She tells you she's staying with her boyfriend, the one who's been taking her for granted for the last five years, the one all her friends say makes her unhappy. She tells you that she can't even pick up the clothes she left at your home because her boyfriend gave her an ultimatum--if she ever comes over to your place, it's over.

And so you pack up her stuff and put it somewhere you can't see. And you pack up the shirt that she bought you yesterday to show you how much you made her happy. And you know, eventually, this too will pass. Much like everything else in your life.

Angry Yellow shall be observing radio silence for a while. Angry Yellow shall be back, eventually.

Red

What a difference a week can make. Two weeks ago, I was stressed out about my gig, coming home to an empty apartment save for some Polish vodka in the freezer, crap TV, and porn. Lots and lots of porn.

This week, I've woken up every morning to the smiling face of a woman who absolutely adores me, who grins every time she looks at me. And she doesn't mind that I have porn. Heh heh. Plus, she's already told two others that she's leaving El Putzo.

Does this mean that I'm going to change the blog name to something like, I dunno, Mellow Yellow? Hell no! I'm still going to be my snarky old self. No worries about me talking about maaaagic unicorns and gumdrop rainbows where fuzzy wuzzy teddy bears frolic.

P.S.--See, this does not count as an entry about Setup Chick, this counts as an entry about Setup Chick and me. It's not about her, it's about us. Howz that for some fancy schmancy lawyer logic.

Call Me A Colour That Only Appeals To You

So, I won't be telling you about certain things that did or did not happen today. Um, I promised someone who may or may not be Setup Chick that I wouldn't tell anyone. Really. Go away. So this is what it feels like to be euphoric, confused, and scared shitless all at the same time. At the very least, I have a new lucky shirt. OK, since I did make a promise--no more entries about Setup Chick.