Obscene, Filthy, Dirty, Immoral . . .

INT. MARTY STARK'S APT. IN WESTWOOD. DAY.

At a dining room table cluttered by wires and books, Marty is hunched over a laptop. He is rapidly clicking a mouse and muttering to himself.

Someone pounds on the door. Marty does not look up.

MARTY: Go the fuck away!

KARMA POLICE #1: Open up! We know what you're doing!

MARTY: I'm surfin' the web for porn, now leave me alone!

KARMA POLICE #1: C'mon Mr. Stark, we know that's not what you're doin'. You're looking at match.com profiles. Just let us in so we can have a talk.

MARTY: Fuck off!

KARMA POLICE #1: Look, you have a problem. This just isn't right, looking at all those profiles at three in the afternoon on a workday. We just want to help. Open the door and let's talk.

MARTY: You don't know me! You don't know me! Go take a Hoover to yourself and have it suck on you, fascists!

KARMA POLICE #1: Aw fuck this noise. Barry, got the other end of the battering ram? OK. Mr. Stark, you have given us no other choice!

The sound of three slow booms come from the door, which is buckling with each pounding. The door breaks at the fourth boom.

Two men in black riot suits burst in, guns drawn.

KARMA POLICE #1: Move away from the laptop Mr. Stark! Now!

MARTY: OK, OK. See I'm lifting my hands from the laptop and I'm . . . damnit, just let me check who's online now! The next one could be the one!

One of the men tackles Marty off his seat. Marty continues to squirm.

MARTY: Let me up you asshole! Let me up! I have to see if SchoolTeacher777 is into Asians! Aaaaaaaaaagh.

KARMA POLICE #2: You will calm down, Mr. Stark. All I have to do is twist my hand to the right and I have a new pair of dice for my windshield.

KARMA POLICE #1: Barry'll do it too. So just calm down.

MARTY: Eep.

KARMA POLICE #1: OK, let's take a look. Fuck, Mr. Stark, have you even written any of these women?

MARTY: I'm gonna get around to it.

KARMA POLICE #1: And a couple of chicks have winked at you. Why don't you write them back?

MARTY: Fer Christsakes, they're either FOBs or Fatties!

KARMA POLICE #2: Man in your position can't be too choosey.

MARTY: Screw you. Eeep.

KARMA POLICE #2: Hand must've slipped.

KARMA POLICE #1: OK. I've seen enough here. By the powers that be and all that she hath created, yadda yadda yadda, access to match.com and all other internet dating services shall be denied to you. Access to your account shall be granted to Janos Wanoski, 55 year old recent Polish immigrant residing in Secaucus, New Jersey . . .

KARMA POLICE #2: He likes 'em really curvey. Loves those white trash chicks with the folds of fat hanging out between the tube tops and the low rider jeans. Reminds him of badly packed bratwurst.

MARTY: Noooooooooo!

KARMA POLICE #1: . . . and to Wah "Erwin" Chang, 28 year old seventh-year applied statistics grad student at U.C. Irvine, originally from the Fujian province, recent born-again Christian and huge fan of the TV show Coach.

MARTY: Gaaaaaah!

KARMA POLICE #2: Yup, he likes his women FOB-ish and subservient. The worse the grammar, the better for l'il Erwin, if you catch my drift.

MARTY: Why? Why are you doing this to me?

KARMA POLICE #1: Pphhht. You know why. You have a novel to write.

KARMA POLICE #2: Plus you keep forgetting that match.com is just one tool in your belt, partner. C'mon, just talk to Borders chick or comic book chick. What's the worst that can happen? So what, you may get kicked out, but there's other Borders.

MARTY: Thanks for the vote of confidence. Ummmm, you mind letting go of my nuts?

KARMA POLICE #2: Whoa, sorry there. So, you're going to be good, right? OK, I'll let you up . . . Hey!

MARTY: Just let me check if HOTCHEMIST999 has logged on.

KARMA POLICE #1 tasers Marty. Marty shakes like an epileptic crack addict and falls to the floor.

KARMA POLICE #1: See, that's why Marty is single again. Man.

KARMA POLICE #2: I say we dump him naked at Borders, then get some chili cheese burritos.

KARMA POLICE #1: Chili cheese burritos are good. Sounds like a plan.