Under Pressure

More later, I promise! But for now, a list of what has happened to me in the last two weeks.
1) Admitted into hospital for malignant hypertension (fancy schmancy way of saying fucking high blood pressure). The norm is 120/80. Mine was 250/180.
2) Spent a night in ICU, though I got to watch the Duke v. Valparaiso game in the morning with an IV drip in my arm. Surprisingly, no one complained about my yelling (it helps to be the only ambulatory and conscious patient in the ICU).
3) Not just one, but TWO twenty-four hour urine collections. AKA Hey, I'm peeing in a jug!!! AKA My imitation of Howard Hughes. AKA I will never be able to drink Gatorade again.
4) Not showering for 4 days due to the electrodes stuck on me. AKA Look at me, I have the sanitary habits of a Frenchman! AKA Dude, what smells like a cheesesteak hoagie stuck in the sun for four days? What, oh, sorry man.
5) Taking enough pills to lower the blood pressure of a stressed out elephant.
6) Having my blood pressure get lowered too much due to aforementioned pills.
7) Feeling really faint due to lowered blood pressure. AKA My impression of a sensitive lily of a southern debutante hearing something just simply scandalous. AKA My God, it's full of stars!