American Idiot

This Is Billy Bob 

So I usually don't write about politics because I'm afraid if I get started, I won't stop and this blog will get transformed into yet another political blog in an over-inundated blogosphere of pundits. Anyway, there are already folks over at sites such as Daily Kos who do a great job of intelligently and vehemently advocating the progressive cause. But once in a while, something sticks in my craw, and since this blog is a self-serving indulgent diary/rant/exercise in writing, I gotta write what I gotta write, even if it is yet another political diatribe preaching to the choir. So hence this rant featuring Marty Stark's patented long-winded making a point by tortured analogy. Just warning you--for those not politically inclined, go ahead and daydream about cute widdle kitty cats. This rant was inspired by a diary I read on dailykos on why a red-stated voted for Bush despite taking up the keister by the Repos economic policies. The voter said God would take care of his financial woes and Iraq, so he had to vote for the truly God Fearing candidate.

Still there? OK. So my view on religion can be summed up by a joke my dad told me when I was a kid (which is weird because my dad leans conservative and, since English isn't his first language, his humor tends toward bad puns--but I digress). Now granted, I embellished the following joke a bit because my dad isn't that well versed in American culture, but it retains the same message. Ready? Here we go!

So there was this guy named Billy Bob who lived in a small, dusty Texas town. Billy Bob was a God fearing man of the Old Testament variety, believing in a wrathful God and salvation by Grace alone, not by deeds. He did consider himself to be rather progressive for a God fearing man, tolerating his Christ-killing neighbor from Jew York and the many cursed descendents of Ham that had started moving into the town. Instead of trying to drive them out, he spread the Good News of fire and brimstone to try to save their souls.

Now one day, there was a tropical storm coming from the Gulf, a nasty one reminiscent of the original flood. Even that fair and balanced channel Fox News was telling folks to get out, so Billy Bob knew this wasn't some pansy liberal claptrap to get the God fearing out of town and let the descendents of Ham loot the place while the good folk were out. Anyway, Billy Bob gets this idea to show the people of his town the power of Faith. He decides to stay in the town while the storm hits, and he knows that he will come to no harm because Billy Bob has Faith that the Lord will save such a God fearing soul. He has so much faith that he's taken the spark plugs out of his car and thrown them out in his backyard somewhere so he can't leave. Once the townsfolk come back after the storm, they'll see Billy Bob and come to their senses and realize the Power of the Lord and what he bestows on believers.

So Billy Bob sits on his porch, watching the black sheets of rain washing down the streets, smiling knowing that God has graced him. A line of cars move past his home, and his neighbor, who is from Jew York and isn't to bad for a Christ killer, sees him as he's rushing out of his house to get the hell out.

"Hey Billy Bob, you OK? You need to leave!" Jew York says.

"Nah, I'm fine here. God will take care of me."

"Look, I don't think God wants you to sit on your ass and drown. C'mon Billy Bob, pack some clothes and I'll give you a ride to the shelter."

"No offense, but only those who have accepted Jesus as their Lord and Savior can divine God's will. Why don't you stay with me? I can baptize you and then you'll see what God will do for the faithful."

"Uh, thanks for the offer but no thanks. Good luck with that whole salvation thing."

So off his neighbor went. Now the rain kept pouring, and the town being situated on dust and all, well, wouldn't you know it but a flood started pouring through the streets in a couple of hours. Billy Bob ain't a fool, so he up he went to his second floor to watch the happenin's from his bedroom with his coon huntin' dog. Then he saw the sheriff coming down the newly formed river of brown water in a small motor boat. Now the sheriff, he's a descendent of Ham, the son Noah had cursed for being such a lazy shiftless good for nuthin' monkey of a man who had fallen asleep on the Ark when he was supposed to be keeping watch. Noah cursed Ham and his descendants by placing the mark of skin as dark as night on them. Now the descendants of Ham are in the government and whatnot, that's surely a sign that the Tribulations are near.

"Hey Billy Bob! What're you still doing here? You gotta get out! C'mon, get on the boat and we'll head to higher ground!"

"I'm afraid I can't do that sheriff. Y'see, God has a plan for me."

"God wants you to get your crazy ass drowned? I don't think so. Get into the boat, or at least let me get your dog outta here. No need gettin' a dog killed on account of your stubborness."

"Ain't stubborness, it's Faith." But the 'coon dog jumped out of the window, swam over to the boat. Well, the dog is just a dumb animal with no soul to save, so Billy Bob couldn't get too angry about that.

"Looks like you ain't got even the sense that god gave a dog there Billy Bob. I can't wait for you, I got other trapped people who actually do want to get out to help. I hope you come to your senses before we head out."

But Billy Bob's Faith prevailed. The flooding got so bad within the hour that Billy Bob had to get on the roof. Now Billy Bob still had no doubts that God would save him. And lo and behold, the rain had stopped. Then a chopper flew over Bolly Bob's roof, and he heard the voice of the mayor from a bullhorn. Now the mayor was educated in one of the secular humanist schools out on the East Coast, and was trying to push those secular ways onto the town--what with talk about keeping creationism and prayer out of schools.

"Billy Bob!!! We're dropping a rope ladder. You better get your ass up here. We can't wait too long. The eye of the storm is gonna pass mighty quick."

"Well then you just go on ahead. If you had Faith like me, you'd be all right. It's obvious that science can't save you."

"OK Billy Bob. This ain't every third Thursday of the month, so this ain't no town hall meeting. Not exactly the right time to get into this. We gotta go find other people who want to be saved before the storm come back."

Not more than fifteen minutes after the chopper left, the rain started pouring down again. The water just kept on gettin' higher and higher. Not even as the water rushed over his face did Billy Bob's Faith weaken. "Maybe this is the Rapture and God is taking me home" was his last living thought . . .

So when Billy Bob found himself in front of Saint Peter, he said "Oh Saint Peter, I just knew the Rapture was coming. I just feel bad for all those who will have to suffer through the Tribulation"

Saint Peter looked irked and said, "Rapture, Tribulation? Yeah, that's not on the schedule quite yet."

Billy Bob looked puzzled, and not just a little pissed off. After all, he had given his life to worshipping God and preaching the Good News, and here he was and it was not even Rapture. "Well, Saint Peter, if I can humbly ask this, why did the Lord forsake me even though I have been a virtuous man?"

Saint Peter sighed, and gave a cross look to Billy Bob. "Look you dumbass hick, God tried to save you THREE times--what do you think your neighbor, the sheriff and the mayor were trying to do?"

Thank you, thank you, I shall be here all the week!