Sunday, February 16, 2003

We Don't Need No Education

Crap. Two nights in a row that I've dreamt I'm back in college. Crap.

Friday, February 14, 2003

Chemicals Captured In A Winter's Grip

The body likes stasis. Throw too much of one thing at it, the body will compensate by producing that thing less. That's how addiction starts -- the drug makes the body produce too much of one thing way too fast. When the drug is gone, the body will react by producing much less. It takes more and more of the drug to compensate. The body in return starts producing less and less.

So last week I was feeling good finally. I'm sure the serotonin and endorphin levels were way up high. My body isn't used to that, so it probably started producing less and less serotonin and endorphin to compensate. I'm beginning to feel like I'm back in the negative loop. I'm trying hard to stop it. You don't become a marathon runner by sprinting a few laps.

I can't care about what's happening with a Certain Someone.

Wednesday, February 12, 2003

Inertia Creeps

I had a rather disturbing dream last night. I was walking along a wilderness trail with a group of people, just hitting the section at the middle of a mountain, when I ran into the popular section of the trail. For some reason, people hiking with dogs chose this particular spot as the shitting area for their pets. This really pissed me off because they never cleaned up the area. The area was literally full of shit -- chunky shit, runny shit. I was doing my best to avoid getting feces all over my khakis. Some poor park ranger had to pick up the shit with his hands (though, lucky for him, his hands were covered with plastic bags). I got some splatter on my khakis, which further pissed me off.

Eventually, I got to the commercial area of the trail. It was basically an outdoor mall in the middle of the wilderness. The group I was with got hungry, so we hit a burger joint. It was starting to get dark. We decided to get a table outside. The busboys had not cleared everything yet, so there were plates with leftovers - fries, a half eaten chicken - still on the table. One guy started eating the leftovers. I was disgusted. Geez, couldn't the guy wait until a menu was brought? Then my cell phone rang. My dad called to tell me that they were planning on staying at camp for four more days. I was uber pissed now. I only came on the trip because my folks told me they were staying for the weekend, and they knew that I had to be somewhere in four days. Then I woke up.

Sound and fury meaning nothing? Maybe not.

Today was a bit of a backslide. Maybe it's the weather. Maybe it's the fatigue. Maybe it's a little bit of A, a little bit of B. A bit of jealousy. A bit of anger. There's a part of me that still cares what a Certain Someone thinks. And a larger part of me that's still angry as hell. So what does this have to do with the dream?

One theory holds that every person you see in a dream is part of you. So, the guy eating the leftovers? That's me still dwelling on the past. What are leftovers but stuff left behind? I'm pissed off that I'm still caring about what everyone at the office thinks of me. All the shit? Well, I'm not the only person with issues in the office, and I'm letting that affect me as well. I guess I need to keep on moving.

Sunday, February 09, 2003

Today Is Whatever I Want It To Be

Obviously, I'm not conducting a purely scientific experiment based on the most current, rigourous lab protocols. That would entail daily reports of findings written contemporaneous with results as they occur. Each entry would have to be signed off by at least two witnesses. However, I never could stand lab work (hate the smell of butane and burning plastic), and I don't think I need two folks saying, "Yup, Marty seems to be happier." Anyway, much like a pitcher doesn't need to know the calculus for the trajectory of a ball to throw a no-hitter, I don't need to measure my serotonin levels to know that I'm feeling better.

Monday, February 03, 2003

Signal to Noise (Redux)

I see LA Chick and I find out I have an interview lined up at MidLaw on the same day. Hmmmmm.

There She Was Just A Walkin' Down the Street

It was bound to happen sometime. I saw LA Chick over at Century City. No, my little heart didn't go pitter pat, though she has a great figure. At most, I felt the surprise of recognition. Is there a lesson here? That time heals all wounds? That this whole experience may be a byproduct of the experiment? That there is no lesson?

But I Feel Good, But I Feel Fine

Feeling better about things, though I'm not sure if it's a result of the experiment or if it's me doing the fortress of solitude thing today.

Sunday, February 02, 2003

All the World Come and Satisfy Me

For the next month, we'll be conducting an experiment. A little bit of chaos magick. A little bit of music therapy. If it works, I won't be me.