I Predict A Riot

For a while, you can ignore it. You do your research on Lexis. You write your arguments built on simple sentences and solid logic. You distill the points you're really trying to get across into tight little beads of clarity so that your words don't get tarnished and unformed like so much dross. Sometimes, you even feel a sliver of joy when you're able to tear an opposing argument to shreds.

And then, like an alcoholic's moment of clarity, you remember it. And what you remember is this: litigation is simply a bunch of people saying "fuck you" to each other. Don't get me wrong, more often than not, at least one of those people have good reason to say "fuck you." But they're still saying "fuck you." Remember getting into arguments with mom and pop as a teenager, screaming your lungs out until you wanted to do something stupid and angry? Remember some jagoff cutting you off on the freeway and him flippin' you the bird after a long honk on your horn? And remember how wound up you'd be, unable to just chill and replaying it over and over in your head, your jaw clenching and your hands unconsciously turning into fists for days after?

Now imagine that day after day after day. Because, as I said before, ligitation is simply a bunch of people saying "fuck you" to each other. As litigators, we get paid to stand in for our clients and say "fuck you" in more technical ways (though once in a while, we do say simply "fuck you" to opposing counsel). Yes, most days are dull days of paperwork, cyas and research--but you know you're doing it all in support saying "hey dickwad, come suck on it." And whereas yelling at mom and pop blew over in a day or two, litigation can last for years. Just imagine yelling at mom and pop for every single day of your life for forty years. Or to put it in a more descriptive way, an argument is a scratch while ligitation is that tumor slowly metastisizing in your brain.

And you wonder why I'm called Angry Yellow.