Would you give in just to spite them all?

And I thought it was over, but it's only worse.

Golden Boy used to work at SmallLaw as a file clerk and is back as a lawyer. At one point, he had (and he still does) have a crush on a Certain Someone. He asked her out way back when, and she said it probably wasn't a good idea. Another lawyer said that a Certain Someone revealed in a drunken moment a while back that she would've gone out with Golden Boy if he was a little bit older or she was a little bit younger. This is all old news to me. I can't say I'm not a little bit jealous, but it is what it is. I've told him I was sensitive about that, that I didn't appreciate it when he made jokes about him hittin' on that.

I thought Golden Boy was a nice enough guy. He has a girlfriend who loves him. He seemed to care genuinely what people thought about him.

I went with Golden Boy and his friends when he passed the bar. He told his girlfriend in San Diego not to come up that day to celebrate with him. Instead, he shacked up with his ex that night. How do I know? Everyone saw him leave with her. And his friends know now that he hits on a Certain Someone and that I'm interested in her too. And his friends say that's really fucked up, especially since he already has a girlfriend.

OK, so his girlfriend is dead to rights for being pissed at him if she found out. Why have I only had 10 hours of sleep in the last 72 hours? He's expecting me to keep his asshole behavior a secret, and in the meantime, he basically said he'll keep hitting on a Certain Someone even though he knows I'm sensitive about it. He doesn't see a thing wrong with what he did and how it screws me over. And I can't say anything about it or else I look like an utter scumbag as well. Sucks being the good guy.

I know that a Certain Someone and Golden Boy have been friends before, that she's ten years older than he is so it'll never happen between them. But that's not the point. I sit there and see him hitting on a Certain Someone. I see her laughing at his jokes. I see her at best ignore me, tolerate me. Here's a guy who's just been an utter scumbag who everyone else thinks the world of, who a Certain Someone is fond of. Here's me, sitting silent, brooding, can't say a thing. Secretary X asked me "What crawled up my ass and died" and said "Who do I need to punch out?" I couldn't say a thing.

So I'm taking the rest of the week off and try to get some clarity.

I know if I were rational, I'd be thinking why am I interested in a woman who thinks very little of me as a human being. That there are other women out there. That supposedly, one of these days, there will be a woman who sees me and just knows that I'm the one. But rationality not much comfort in the middle of the night, not much comfort when I come home to an apartment empty save for a cat and some beer.