In Dreams I'm A Viking

Hey there, Ice Weasels. Sorry I've been away so long. Yeah, see, I've spent the last two weeks at this beach in Brazil with sugar white sands and water the color of Naomi Watt's eyes. You can only get there by humvee since there aren't any roads that lead there. There are no hotels, so you sleep at a friendly local's. There are no televisions, so all you do all day is drift along the beach and once in a while have meals of fried fish, bananas and sugar cane alcohol. I've been trying to get my head together, pull the beach hermit thing, so I can figure out where I'm going with my life. Yeah, see, all that I just said? It'd be true if my first novel Slow Road To Suckage got published, sold 600,000 copies, got me listed as EW's Breakout Author for 2002, got me a 6 figure advance for the next novel Angry Yellow: The Unauthorized Story of The Chinkies, and started suffering a massive attack of writer's block and sit-on-my-assism. Unfortunately, only the 1/3 of the last sentence came true. Plus, I have / am currently suffering from a series of annoying ailments. I'm over whatever bug Mr. Asshat who sneezed on my head gave me, but, well, let's just say whatever I've been eating in the last two days ain't coming out solid. At least with this type of start to the year, as good ol' vegan crap synth pop guy Howard Jones would say, things can only get better. (Oh, and before I start to sound too curmudgeonly, I did have a very nice and chill Christmas and New Years' Eves with friends.)

Anyway, for the past three nights I've had the type of suffocating go nowhere dreams that would make the characters of Jean Paul Sartre's play, "No Exit" say, "Ahhh, maybe spending the rest of eternity with you nitwits isn't so bad." (I know, Dennis Miller factor really high on that statement chewchie, and if you don't know who Jean Paul Sartre is, well go read a fuckin' book sometime ya mook.) Sigh, looks like I'll have to stick to television for my escapism.

So, the first dream of the new year started auspiciously--I was on vacation in some random city and I met this petite blonde with green eyes and a cherubic face. I knew right then and there she was the one for me, and she knew I was the one for her. Unfortunately, I had to run some errands for my dad (I know I'm supposed to be on vacation, but it's also a friggin' dream). I have to meet up with my dad in Chinatown, but I make plans to meet with The One again. Anyway, I arrive at this restaurant in Chinatown which is on an island. The sky is cloudy. It reminds me of a winter's day in Pittsburgh. I tell my dad that I have to leave soon and why, and he really doesn't give a crap. He gives me this "The errand will be done when the errand is done" attitude. It's almost as if he slows down this errand just to piss me off. I look at my watch, and I know it's too late. The One has been waiting for me for over an hour, I just know she's left, went home crying thinking this was all a cruel joke on my part. I wake up really pissed.

In the second dream, I'm back in my house in Pittsburgh. It's pitch black outside. I've been back in high school for a semester and I'm freaking out because I've skipped almost all my classes. I try to calm myself down, remembering that I've been to law school so that high school should be no problem. But I can't find my syllabus. Hell, I can't even find my course list, and for the life of me, I can't remember my courses. Finals are tomorrow. I wake up damn relieved though tired as hell.

In the last dream, my family has moved so we're staying over at my cousins. I have to wake up early to get to school, to get the new home ready, and to get to a new job. I figure that I can handle all three. But the alarm rings and I can't get out of bed. I just sleep in (yes, I sleep while I'm asleep). Then I awake in the dream, try to find my clothes and get showered. I'm late for class. Yet again I wake of damn rekeved though tired as hell.

Man, I really need to lighten up.