Damn Civilians

Now that I'm heading back the whole law-talking deal, I've begun thinking about the parts that I couldn't stand about the law. Sheesh, not exactly the can-do plucky thoughts I should be having at the start of a new job. So, in the spirit of getting things off my chest, I think I'll list "don't I wish" scenarios. Couple of disclaimers: 1) Obviously, the scenarios are fictional--I don't want to be breaking the whole attorney-client privilege thing and have my ass disbarred; 2) also, if I actually said any of this stuff, I probably wouldn't have been disbarred but I would've been kicked out of the profession of law anyway. So here we go with one of many (OK, maybe just one depending how sick I get of the law) scenarios.

One of the things I couldn't stand about the law were clients--more specifically, the middle-management employees of clients who knew way less than they thought they did but were given an inordinate amount of day to day power. We'd get requests for documents to which the opposing party was perfectly entitled, and being the junior associate, I was the poor schmuck who had to convey the request to the client, or more specifically, the Joe/Jane Schmo who handled the docs. The larger institutional clients had whole departments that handled document production and retention, and those clients were a godsend--got back little lip, and received the docs for review a couple of weeks later. But the smaller ones (tech companies that used Chapter 11 as an adjective in the big bust) had true mouth-breathers handling docs.

Shoot, as my creative writing instructor in college said: "Show, not tell." So, here's an example of the typical conversation, and what I wish I could've said:

"Hey Joe Schmo, it's Marty Stark. Did you get the document request I faxed you?"
"Yeah. We're not gonna give 'em any of this shit. We're not on trial here."
"Uh, technically, since ConglomoTech is the defendant, it would be on trial if the matter doesn't settle."
"Sure, whatever. Look, these docs aren't relevant anyway."
"Hmm, not relevant."
"Yeah, and they're trade secret."
"Well, maybe I should take a look at the documents for relevance and confidentiality, just to be safe."
"No, you're not going to take a look. I told you they're non-relevant and they're trade secrets."
"OK. Hey, everybody who went to law school, raise their hand. Hmmmm, let's see, I have my hand in the air. Do you? No, I didn't think so."
"Hey asshole, you work for us."
"Hey dumbshit, I don't work for you. I work for ConglomoTech, and one of my responsibilities is making sure that ConglomoTech doesn't do any stupid shit. You know what I mean by stupid shit? I mean refusing to produce documents to which TechCorp is entitled, like, oh, documents relevant to the case. And by relevant, I mean relevant according to the California Code of Civil Procedure and the California Code of Evidence, which I can assure you is not equivalent to relevant according to some asshole with only two years worth of junior college under his cheap ass K-Mart brand faux-leather belt. And since I know what relevance is under the applicable California law, what with my 3 fucking years of law school and my 3 fucking years of practicing law, I get to review those documents for relevance. 'Cuz you know what happens if I listen to you on what's relevant and what's not? (And the word is irrelevant you chicken-fucking hick, not non-relevant.) Well, TechCorp brings a motion to compel production of documents, which we'll lose if we say 'We don't have to produce it because Chicken-fucking Joe Schmo says it's not relevant', and the Court says ConglomoTech has to produce the docs and they have to pay a shitload of money for wasting the Court's time. Or, if the Court is pissed enough, it can say, 'ConglomoTech, that is such a piss-poor excuse that I'm gonna say TechCorp wins.' And as much as I'd love to see your poultry-buggering ass twisting in the wind when the hammer of ConglomoTech comes ahuntin' for the dipshit that said 'These docs aren't relevant,' I'd rather not have ConglomoTech suing me for malpractice for letting you act like a ignorant junior college shit that you are. So, slugger, the bottom line is that you will let me review those documents for relevance and confidentiality."

Ahhhh, man that felt good, I tell you what. Hmmmm, had I actually said that, I wouldn't be bellyaching about going back to the law.