I'll Be The Corpse In Your Bathtub

OK, it's a Friday night, and here I am sitting in Casa De Stark listening to acoustic sad mopey bastard music. Warm air rises, my bedroom / loft is a hothouse -- you can grow orchids in it. It won't begin to cool well into the dawn as the air outside cools and the hot air flows away out the window. My face feels like it's encased in paraffin. I'm consoling myself for blogging on a Friday night instead of out carousing and hittin' on the fine chiquas by telling myself that last weekend was action-packed, that I'm taking a bit of a breather. Yet there's this part of me that feels a bit morose knowing that there are folks out there getting their groove on.

I have to admit that I miss driving to Bees Knees on Friday nights, even though it was a two hour trek in crawling traffic down to OC -- it was the anticipation of being with someone who was happy being with me. I miss having someone snuggle against me while watching TV, and knowing that I made someone smile with a kiss. But attached to all that were problems I couldn't solve and jags of heartache that left me tired and empty.

It's the part that's doing all the missing that makes me go onto match.com and keep looking. It's the part that remembers the problems that makes me bored and tired of all the profiles I see, that's a little scared of writing to them. So before I get too mopey, I might as well list of what makes guys run shrieking away from a female match.com profile like a five-year-old kid away from dad with a two-by-four in no particular order:

1. The use of the term "soulmate";

2. Photos with the ex or some other dude;

3. Photos that include an Adam's Apple;

4. Profiles that are less than two sentences long ("Hi, I'm an attractive intelligent woman looking for a fun time" doesn't really give the guys much to work with);

5. Photos in costume (being as slinky as a cat is sexy, dressing up as one isn't);

6. The use of "Christian" and / or "Jesus";

7. Photos that look like they're taken from graduation (OK, this is mainly addressed to the Asian chiquas - do you really want to attract FOBs with clunky glasses, bad dental hygiene and clothes from the the dollar bin at the Salvation Army? And before you start calling me racist, I'll have you know some of my best friends are Asian, like my mom, my dad, my sis . . .);

8. Misspelling (I might be looking for a fine Asian woman, I'm not exactly sure what a Fione Asian woman is though);

9. Overly posed photos (I think it's that stick up her ass that's causing that horrible rictus - oh wait, that's supposed to be a smile);

10. And there are others, but 10 is a good number to stop at, so Too Much Makeup (I think she might have a pretty face, but right now she looks like Jimbo the Psychotic Clown did her face).

Hmmmm, do I feel better? Not really, but at least this killed some time. Off to downstairs where the air is 10 degrees cooler and the beer is in the fridge!