And Now It's Gone . . .

You call her in a moment of weakness, just to tell her that you're sad that the friendship is gone. You call her because that little spark of hope is still there. And she returns your call because she's also sad that the frienship is gone. She returns your call because she still has that little spark of hope still there too.

You try to salvage your friendship. You tell her what the worst thing about this is the loss of someone who knew you better than you knew yourself. You tell her the worst thing about this is that there are no birthdays together, no talking because you love each other's company. You tell her that this is like a friend dying. She asks you what if's in hopes of keeping the friendship alive. What if she came back to you in four months? What if she was married to him in four months? And you answer honestly. And you ask your what ifs. What if he doesn't change? What if she's at the altar and all she can think about is you? You ask her if she felt anything when he slept with her now, and she can't answer. And she cries and says she can't handle this right now. She cries saying she's supposed to be thinking about the wedding. She says this isn't the last goodbye.

And because you're weak, because you still love her and you can't believe that the friendship is over, because as much as she treated you like shit it hurts you more to hear her cry, you call her and say you don't want to leave it this way.

She calls you back, saying she can't do this anymore. She says her boyfriend changed his mind, that he can't have her talking to you. She says her boyfriend says it's over if she talks to you. She can't be friends with you.

And so you say your last goodbye. You don't want to get off the phone, but you have to. So your last words are how you feel. Your last words to her are "My best friend died today. My best friend died." You hear her sobbing. You say "Goodbye."

You know that, in the long run, cutting all contact is really the best for both of you. You know that you were weak, and that self-disgust comes cascading through your body. You know all this, but all you can think of is her sobbing, and your words, "My best friend died today."