So I Disconnect

Only time will tell if I'm sucking all the venom out of the wound, or just picking at it. I think it will be a while before my first thoughts of the day aren't of her.

Today, I was at a belated housewarming party / early summer welcome party of my friends up in the Valley. I was having fun in the pool, turning red with the alcohol and sun, bullshitting with my buddies, and playing with my pal's 13 month old kid. Sitting around eating chips and drinking beer, the sun, the water, all of it hit home again the friends that I have who'll pull me out and keep me smiling.

I was dangling my legs in the pool and taking a sip of my lukewarm Heiniken, and I felt a little bit sad all of a sudden. Some other me is sitting with some other her, dangling our legs in the pool. Some other her is bursting with happiness at meeting the good people that are my friends, expanding her world that didn't have that many friends. Some other her is making that small sweet smile while watching me play with the kid. Some other me and her are home now, slightly tired falling asleep in each others arms.

And I felt a little sad. Not just for me, but for her. Because none of this will ever happen for her. She'll go on with her small world that only includes one friend she never talks to and Jon, who doesn't have that many friends either. She'll have missed the opportunity to enter into my world, friends that would open their arms for her because I did.

You might say she made her choice, and she deserves the misery she gets. I know I said that before too. But I just remember the sweet girl I knew (and girl is really what she truly is, a sweet girl who is also a weak girl), who was so excited at the prospect of a new life. And I just get sad for her.

I need you, you want me/ but I don't know how to connect/ so I disconnect.