Honky's Ladder

Before I get into moving on mode, there's one loose end I have to tie up. I'm afraid for most of you, this will sound like some uncharacteristic scary shit, but it has to be said. Sorry to be cryptic, y'all, but this reader knows what I'm talking about. And if he hasn't been following this shit as it was going on, I know that he'll be peeking in sooner or later.

So here it goes. Yeah, you won. You got the last laugh, and I'm sure you were feeling so fine with your honey when I left on Wednesday. I saw that shit-eating grin in the lobby as I saw y'all going to lunch. You pulled that whole male dominant this is my girl "So, what're are you all doing" when I was having my last heart to heart Tuesday. Fuckin' aye man, you choose anyone more experienced, she'd clock you in five seconds for the insecure guy you are--and insecure does not play out well. But as I said, you have the last laugh for now. I was played, whether or not she intended to play me, and now you have that sweet thang all to yourself. Go ahead and write that in your blog. Feel free to link to this shit. But here's the thing.

I've got five years on you.

Here are some of the things I've learned the hard way in those five years. If you start out insecure in a relationship, your insecurity will not go away. Hell, it'll get even worse. She's young, intelligent, sweet. You pull that pissing to mark your territory move when I'm talking to her? Guess what, you will be having a lot of sleepness nights in your future.

And fuckin' about with a coworker? Not exactly a smart move. I know, you think you'll remain friends even if this doesn't work out. But three months from now, when you're totally sweatin' when she's out with her guy friends or out of town, and then she comes back and you see her everyday and it just gets to you, that uncertainty. I would say that's almost as bad as when she tells you she's seeing someone else, and then you have to walk past her everyday, knowing that she's not thinking of you. But the reality is that she won't tell you she's seeing someone else, because she doesn't want you to feel awkward, and when it comes out, it will feel like the ground has dropped from beneath your feet.

Yes, I am bitter about the situation, but not out of jealousy. If she wasn't into me, so be it. I can accept that. I'm friends with women who I've had feelings for, and women who've had feelings for me. I'm bitter because a yearlong friendship, the hours of talking and getting to know each other and laughing, that easy feeling when you know that someone gets you, disappeared almost overnight because of a two month relationship. I'm bitter because the last goodbye was simply a terse goodbye where she couldn't even bother to look at me. I know it was her choice, but I also know that you had a hand in it. You confirmed that with your dickwaving on Tuesday.

So you won. Enjoy the next month--it will be the best. Speaking from a guy who hasn't been exactly a good guy myself, these things play themselves out past that month. And that life you'll be living, let's just say you've read this blog and you know you better be praying to fate, chance and Lady Luck that this is the one time it will actually work out.

Now I'll get over it eventually, or if not, at least get some good writing out of it down the line. I'll be out away from the office, away from the bad drama, while you will be living some major bad mojo--it's not a matter of if, just a matter of when.