Betty Blue

"I've been listening to my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I've come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains."
- Rob Gordon in "High Fidelity" (film version)

So yeah, when I fall, I tend to fall fast and I tend to fall hard. I've been through it enough that I should be able to identify the warning signs and prep myself. You know, like how some epileptics get a funny feeling--a word that's one the tip of the tongue waiting to break free, a lightheaded dizzy giddiness--right before a seizure so they can sit down or get away from sharp objects. I guess I'm a luuuuuuuv epileptic. (And for those of you too literal, or maybe my analogies are too forced, no, I don't have epilepsy though I do tend to fall flat on my face in my love life without any warning.) Except I haven't been smart enough to recognize the funny feeling and sit down.

I've looked at my past entries recently. What have I learned? That except for Her, I can honestly say that what I've felt was just an short-term influx of chemicals--dopamine and oxytocin mostly--making my heart go a flutter and my mind go completely and utterly bugfuck. Seizure baby seizure.

And so now, I'm trying to figure out what I'm feeling and sit down. My friends are saying to let these feelings pass, because if I do follow them, there is no happy ending. Why? This one dropped her career and followed her boyfriend across the ocean six months ago, only to have the relationship break up in November. I only got out of a relationship in December. Two rebounders? That's some bad chowder, Harry.

Before you get the wrong idea, I haven't fallen yet. That's the point, I'm trying not to. Feel free to drop a "Run! Run for the hills!" comment.

"Don't think about all those things you feel,
Just be glad to be here . . ."
-FC/Kahuna