Future Proof

Even with all the medication, my blood pressure is starting to rise again. I've been having a constant low grade headache, like a dull hum.

When work was slow, there was a part of me that thought maybe having something to do would at least slow the creeping, onsetting malaise that I've been feeling. But now I have several matters at work, enough to keep me busy for at least a month, and all that has done is made the week go by faster. I come home and all I have to look forward to is a couple of hours of television and sleep.

My dreams have been more violent, more vivid, and more passionate. I've been dreaming of trains and gunfights, wide rivers and large cities. It seems I can feel the highs that I once had only in dreams.

The end of January seemed to bring promise. The beginning of this month has only brought inertia.

There was a part of me that looked for signs and meaning in everything that I saw -- the elevator that appeared before you pushed the button, or the favorite song heard on the alarm radio. Now, I all I see is signal to noise.

What I miss is awe, or at least the ability to be awed.

"Happiness is a dark thing to pursue . . . and the pursuit itself is a dark thing as well." Steve Erickson, Arc d'X